Courage is Math. Not Magic.
The three question framework for decisions where fear is louder than logic
A reader wrote to me last week. He told me his son’s birthday party is coming up. This means it has been a year since the thought first crossed his mind. Should he do it? Months have passed, he is still swirling on the same questions. They feel unanswered. He is smart, driven. He remembered acting with conviction before. So he is waiting to be ready again. And once the time is right, he might do it. He might make the big move that has been lingering on the back of his mind, warning him that things are off.
I’ve been there too. When I left my 20yr career, the questions swirled in my head for a very long time.
We Don’t Wait for Courage, We Calculate It
You know it’s a big decision. You are just waiting for courage to show up. Or considering (with a little shame) whether you are just not brave enough.
This is the very first mistake we make: We wait for courage.
We are taught to believe that courage is a trait, or a feeling. You have it or you don’t. We hope it will come.
But courage is a calculation.
The Inputs to Courage
Let’s start by stripping courage down to its simplest components.
If we set fear aside for just a moment, in a courageous situation there is:
A Loss
A Gain
A Reason
These are the inputs for the calculation.
It’s almost a risk/reward situation, with a WHY.
In courageous acts:
The loss isn’t any loss. It’s something valuable and it feels tangible. Income, community, status, life, etc…
The gain isn’t guaranteed. It’s valuable but it may be hard to measure. Health, relationships, peace, honor, prosperity, etc…
The reason is meaningful enough to you that you see it as worthy. This is where your values come in — the constant k. Your values are what make the ‘reason’ strong enough to act.
Now that we understand it has those 3 components (loss, gain, reason), we are ready to consider the element of fear. The purpose of fear in humans is to protect us from danger. In courageous moments, fear is a signal that tells us this decision is important to us.
Fear doesn’t invalidate the calculation. It doesn’t say you can’t do it. It’s data about stakes, that the calculation matters. That’s it.
The Equation
Courage is a calculation of gains and losses. Fear highlights that it matters.
To calculate courage, ask yourself three questions:
What do I give up? (Losses)
What do I get? (Gains)
What do I do it for? (Reason)
The harder the decision, the more nuanced it gets. But the core of the formula doesn’t change.
How the Equation Works: Two Real Examples
Here are 2 personal examples:
The Family Conversation
I have a family member who gives a lot of unsolicited advice. It comes from a place of care, but it also drifts into judgment more often than I’d like. I found myself avoiding conversations with this person because not being available was easier. But maintaining relationship with my small family is important. I was scared to address it so I ran the calculation.
The loss: What I was losing was the comfort of not having the conversation. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I risked upsetting them or being seen as ungrateful.
The gain: What I might gain was a better relationship. More at ease in our conversations. Feel their care without the judgment.
The reason: I value being my authentic self especially inside my family. I also value trying to do my best. I was violating both of those values by avoiding the problem.
The Career Exit
When I left my corporate career, I wasn’t going after excitement. I was responding to a quiet and heavy misalignment.
The loss: I was giving up a steady paycheck, familiarity, the status and prestige of the title I had reached, an incredible retirement program.
The gain: I might gain work that felt meaningful and energized me. I’d learn new things and apply my expertise to new domains. Enticing even if it wasn’t guaranteed.
The reason: I value building a life that reflects what’s important to me. Staying in a place that no longer fit what I was called to do was a cost too high, even if it was comfortable.
The fear was louder. The inputs more complex. But the equation was the same.
📝 Now try your own scenario.
You have a decision you’ve been avoiding. You know your constant k.
What are your losses? What are the gains? Based on your values, which are constant, what is a reason worth considering moving to a decision despite the fear?
Don’t rush through it. Better outputs come from better inputs. It’s that simple.
Sometimes even after knowing the equation, people can get stuck on fear. Frozen. Next week, I’ll show you how to read fear as data instead of an obstacle.
